so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
