Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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