I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
