as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
