Please don't use social media to get back at me.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
