i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
