I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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