Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
