we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
