woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
