I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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