i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
