So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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