the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
