You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
