True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
