i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just gift wrapped bread.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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