Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
