hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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