My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Is Oprah even human
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
