I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
