wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
this is an emotional support booty call
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