You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
