she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
