a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
