I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
