I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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