you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
