I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
