Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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