from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
