if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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