we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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