Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
