It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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