why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
