Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
