You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
