Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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