Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
