Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
