So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
