If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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