sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I AM VODKA MAN
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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