you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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