Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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