I accidentally had phone sex last night
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
