Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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