Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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