my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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