hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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