i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
