If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
