you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
