If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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