Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
