a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
