Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
