Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
