I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
