can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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