we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
