I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
