I want to make a zoo with you.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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